Odd title for a blog entry, I know, but like I’ve said before, this is all about what hits me and what I want to write about, so continue if you wish. If not, no harm, no foul.

Today was one of those days where I just wanted to punch someone in the throat. I took off Friday, so I knew I had to deal with a gazillion emails, most of which did not pertain to me or my process so I spent an hour wearing out the delete key on my keyboard. I also knew there would be some in there that did pertain to me, or should I say were more likely to contain a problem I had to solve, look into, find the root cause of, or take responsibility for. The last part seems to be the gist of everything anymore. Who did it and why and who is going to pay for it? We do have a day once a week where errors are posted and we have to meet and share our findings with the larger group. I’ve never heard the word ‘disputed’ more than I have since I started attending these meetings. No one wants to take responsibility.

All of this made me think of my current situation with caring for my eighty nine year old mom. Everyone has an opinion of what MY responsibility to her should be. What they think I should be doing with and for her. Most think she’s better off in a home of some sort, in her case, memory care. What they don’t know or seem to understand is that I made my Dad a promise that I would do my best to keep mom in their house as long as I could. My belief there is that as long as she can get around in her house and manage the basics, I’d let her stay there. I did get her some in home help, with I’m finding is much less expensive and much more personal than putting her in memory care where there is one caregiver for every dozen residents or so. At her home, she’s able to stay comfortable in her surroundings, and with a little help, can use her own shower, bathroom, etc… and she doesn’t feel like she’s letting Dad down by moving out, which is one of the things that has driven her to stay in that house.

So about these angels among us. Tonight, it was my cousin Dave who I saw at the grocery store as he was picking up some things for his mom who is actually in a memory care facility, but only because she was not able to take care of herself any longer. After the day I’d had with work and people sharing their opinions, it was good to just talk with someone who is going through the same thing. He’s the only sibling in town and at no fault of his own, has become the primary caregiver for his Mom. We usually spend a little time discussing our situations and the stress related. He’s not really one to complain, so I pick up the slack there. We all deal with stress in different ways, and it helps when I talk to him to see someone who takes a much more calm approach than I do. So today, my angel’s name was Dave. Thank you, Dave. You have no idea how bumping into you changed my thinking tonight and I needed that.

I look back to yesterday as I was trying to burn some nervous energy before the Super Bowl (of which I have erased from my memory and refuse to discuss with anyone), so I went out and started working on decluttering my garage, a project I’ve been working on since we moved in two years ago and it just seems to grow and grow. Something told me I needed to get rid of some things in a certain area so I could actually make more room that is actually usable. I came across a suitcase I didn’t even know I owned, opened it, and found my wedding album, which I needed to find for some project that is happening at my son’s wedding reception in April. Check that off the ‘to do’ list. But I then stumbled upon something I’d been looking for since we moved – some artwork we picked up at a distillery in Nashville, but had misplaced during the move. I about did a backflip when I found them in that bag. So this angel didn’t have a name, but someone or something was pushing me in that direction. Yeah, I believe in that too.

I’m an emotional person. I’ve always been told I wear my emotions on my sleeve. To some, that’s appealing, to others, it’s strange. Regardless, it’s who I have become and I’m not apologizing for it. My future daughter in law even said the other night at dinner that I’m emotional, which is good she recognizes that because I promise you I’ll be shedding a few tears on their wedding day. I’m also one who believes that there is a God, one that I certainly believe in, that will often times remind me to shut up and listen instead of trying to figure everything out on my own. I find those time usually are most apparent when I hear one of two songs that we sang a lot back in the day on a retreat weekend I went on. If I’m struggling, out of the blue one of those songs will come on the radio. The songs aren’t the important part here, it’s the meaning (for me) behind it. But I guess in this case, those angels come in the form of Bon Jovi and the Eagles.

I’m sure those who have decided to read any of my work have either confirmed suspicions or found something new about me, like it or not. I always say no one really knows me, but when you read this, you’re getting about as close as you will ever come. The words flow here the way I wish I could get them to come out of my mouth when having a conversation. I find that often times, I’m too worried about offending or saying something that will piss off someone or I’ll say something that will trigger them in some way. I should learn to be more like Archie Bunker, but with a filter. Say what’s on your mind if the time is right and don’t hold back if it’s important to you. So I guess here, my angel is Archie Bunker (Google him, youngin’s).

Take the time to find your own angels. A family member, a song lyric, a song, a TV show, a friend, or just a memory that has stuck with you. They’re all around us if we just pay attention.